1. The ones always on vacation:
These are the people with 1000+ photos, always in some exotic location while doing crazy adventurous stuff. You have no idea how they make a living and these are the kinda people who you secretly envy the shit out of.
2. The ones with kids:
You will never need to find out anything about their children because you know EVERYTHING there is to know. You know when when the kids were potty trained because mommy and daddy were so proud, they had to share it on Facebook. You also know how the kids look from every possible angle because of the zillion pics that mommy daddy love to share.
3. The ones that share sentimental crap:
You know how someone sends you a load of crap followed by, “share if you have ever loved someone”? You laugh it off and wonder which kind of moron shares this stuff. THESE MORONS DO. They will share every single post that claims it donates to cancer and all the posts which have mushy sayings on pictures of sunsets. The only reason they are still on your Facebook list is because your laziness beats their cheesiness.
4. The intellectuals:
Every time they post, it has to be about some issue that you didn’t even know the world was having. They know about the political situation in Guatemala and every post of theirs is followed by a slew of comments having heated debates, which you can’t understand anything of. These are not to be confused with people who change their display pictures to red equal-to signs because everyone was doing it.
5. The over-updaters:
You know too much about them. You know about how they felt when they woke up, you know how much they love their dog/boyfriend/family and what pisses them off. Because they feed this information to you against your will. If the person involved is a hot single person, this may provide an advantage. But the chances of that are very unlikely. The over-updaters have a subset called the instagrammers who think that putting a shitty filter on ANYTHING makes it look artistic. But the instagrammers are still a notch above the foodstagrammers. Death to foodstagrammers. You are tucked in bed, food is the last thing on your mind, and then BAM! You see their shitty filtered picture of a hot chocolate fudge sundae and you don’t even know how you teleported to the fridge.
6. The funny ones:
These are the kinda people whose updates you actually enjoy seeing. These are the people with the clever jokes and puns which you shamelessly repeat to unrelated social circles. These people make you chuckle in the middle of work drudgery and you actually make the mammoth effort of moving your arm to click the ‘like’ button. Sometimes they are funny enough that you leave a comment knowing that you’ll be inundated with notifications from all the dumb comments below you. (Yes, we know about the “unfollow” button. That’s a whole other click.)
7. The sports fans:
You don’t need to watch any game because these guys will give you a running commentary of whichever game they are watching at the time. The biggest subset of the ‘sports fans’ has been observed to be the club-soccer fans. You are a die hard fan of Liverpool and you have never seen a game of soccer. You know that Chelsea’s manager is a fag and that ManU had to eat dust recently and you have no idea how you know this much. You are also reminded of exactly which university each of your American friends went to or which city they support based on their NFL or NBA rants.